Unfortunate soul

Last Wednesday, I had a suppose-to-be okay day but something messed it up. Lessons from 12pm were okay. Oh yeah, I announced to the friends I hang out with, Oi Keat, Suan Kai and Kai An, that I had my first puff just the day before. Their reactions told me that they are good friends. For Oi Keat, she went, "You dare to smoke. You're not my friend." in Chinese.

And, Kai An asked if I really smoked in which I replied I don't think so 'cos I haven't learn the right way of smoking yet. He point out though that smoking is bad. Suan Kai was adamant or maybe apathetic on this topic.

The break in between my Production Design class was fun. I hung out with a group I seldom hang out. They were classmates which I don't often interact.

However, one of them caught my attention on the topic of transvetites. Her story of having a gay friend and the gay friend being jealous and all was fascinating. And, I related my share of a brief description of an interesting friend who was bisexual ...

When classes were over, I went to the karate clubroom to pack my stuff. I'm returning the key to Jin Hui. I guess that means I'm no longer training. There's no motivation for me. No girls my age are there. Nothing to really look forward to. Dennis Jr met me at the FC 5 foyer where I was waiting for Jin Hui. He asked me to stay and wait, then eat dinner together. I agreed and spent my time trying to research on my visual effects sequence on Ronald's laptop.

After the karate grading, I went with Dennis Jr, Jin Hui, Ronald, Bao Qiang and a new guy Joseph for dinner at Clementi. Normal kopitiam. I guess my chance of eating Botak Jones is not with them, but maybe with other people?

It was like 10 plus when I finish dinner. I was enjoying the nostalgic dinner-cum-conversation with them when a single phone call disturbed my space. It was my mum. This was our conversation:

Mum: Where are you?

Sa: Having dinner.

Mum: So late having dinner? What time your class end?

Sa: 6pm. I waited for my friends.

Mum: You better come back straight. Don't make this a habit.

- Click. End of conversation -

There you go. It's not even 11.30pm. She made it like a latest time I should be back is 11.30pm. However, everytime I'm out around 10 plus and I never call home, she would call me to ask my whereabouts. Her tone and words were like accusing me that I did this late night outings most of the time, which in fact, I did not.

Boy, this is just one out of the many reasons I want to be a boy. I'm created wrongly. And, I really wished to have a cigarette after that conversation, just for an act of rebellion and maybe to calm my heart (in which until I slept that very night, felt weird ever since the conversation). I think something in me screwed off after hearing her words. The words that were and ARE like a curse and a command I'm forced to obey.

Whoever said that children with families and are well-fed, well-clothed should be fortunate; they certainly thought and said it wrongly. They forgot to think of the problems the child faces while growing up and the emotional struggles they go through.

Whether the African children has not enough food and are malnutrioned or whether children should be fortunate for being well-fed etc.; both have their fair share of problems. Life was never fair to begin with ...

I'm getting tired of seeing my family. Is this something a child who's given food, clothes, shelter, materials should be saying? Maybe I'm selfish. Yes, I probably am. I've been imagining and fantasizing alot of living in a house or maybe rent a room, where I'm alone. My personal space where I can work and come back to, without having to feel like "I'm frowning. I better ease up my facial expression." (which I tend to do so when I get back home).

Heck, I've been in a family of 6 with so many noise and activities for 18 years? I really desire to be alone? I don't mind a roomate or two, who are friends with me. If I could have one wish right now, it would be that I have my own apartment. It doesn't matter if it's small. A bed positioned right beside a small wooden space where I can put small items, located slightly below the window; a study table with comfortable chair; a decent wardrobe; a bathroom in which bath tub is a must for my post stress-work period and if affordable the place must be hair-conditioned. Sounds more like a hotel rather than an apartment, doesn't it? I got this image ever since I stayed alone at my hotel room in Tokyo, in which I was so pleased with the living commendations.

That's a wish in which I doubt will happen any time soon. Heck, I think it can happen only like when I'm like 25, past the age of 21 and after I earned some money. Hah ... I guess I'll have this "fortunate" settings with clubbing limited to 11.30pm-12am and better-not-make-coming-back-home-late-a-habit and come back soon after classes routine until the ripe age of 21 ... bleh ...

Poor unfortunate soul ... just as the Jonas Brothers goes ... ...